N O R D A N D B E R T C O U L D N ' T M A K E H E A D N O R T A I L O F I T (Infocom) Atari ST NOTES: This is a word game of which the object is to correct the wrong words or puns being the cause of various catastrophes in and around the town of Punster. Entering 'NE' at any 'BEGINNING' mode will return you to the start without any items. However, it does not RESTART the game as you will find the items still left around in their 'changed' state when you return. FIRST LEVEL: SHOPPING BIZARRE Dessert Aisle: When confronted by the Moose, type MOUSSE and it becomes a dessert (1 point). Look in the freezer to find 22/7, the Greek mathematical symbol 'Pi', so type GET PIE (1 point) and after much number crunching you have it. Meets Aisle: There is a particularly horrid child here with a ribbon saying 'Worst Brat'.....BRATWURST soon puts her in her place and makes a sausage of her. There is also mince and steak here, so GET ALL. Manicotti Aisle: Here a man dressed as a vampire is biting packets of cereals. He also has bad breath so GIVE THE MINTS TO THE VAMPIRE (2 points) which cures it. KILL VAMPIRE WITH STAKE (2 points) and go to the...... British Aisle: A lad is trying to cram packets onto a shelf below a sign which says 'Putting Aisle'. PUDDING soon changes that (1 point), and you can see some ants milling about. AUNTS changes them to human form and you quickly realise that they have lost someone. GIVE WORST BRAT TO AUNTS (1 point) and they happily go off together. Now Write Aisle: You can see a stationary block, STATIONERY and it becomes a lot of paper (1 point). There is a Bear Clause here dealing with the peoples rights to arm bears. BEAR CLAWS and that is what you have (1 point). A Wall Of Quartz, QUARTS (1 point), has to be MOVEd. You find a door which has locks. GET LOX (1 point), and notice the flour spilled here. GET FLOWER (1 point), SMELL FLOWER and you find that the penny drops. GET CENT (1 point). EXAMINE DOOR and find the JAMb (1 point). OPEN DOOR but do not go in yet. You have found the Cellar location. Misc Aisle: Where you see some TAX (1 point) and a SALE (1 point). Also some MUSCLES (1 point). GET ALL and go to the SELLER. Celler: SELLER (1 point). Here you have to buy and sell, why else would it be called a seller. PUT PIE ON SALE, then BUY THE PIE and you have completed the First Level. [RANK: SUPER SAVER - MAXIMUM 22 POINTS] (Note the RANK you are given at each level as it is the only way to get to see the Mayor and finish the game). SECOND LEVEL: PLAY JACKS From the start of this level go IN to the house where you can see a Jack of all Traits; a marvellous machine which is capable of being all things to all people. GET ALL and you have it. PULL TAIL and a Jackrabbit appears and runs off (1 point). WEAR SLEEVES (1 point) and it turns into a jacket. OUT. OUT into the forest, OUT until you smell "chestnuts cooking on an open fire" and when you are told that something is "nipping at your nose" in the words of the song type JACK FROST. You are now beside a pond with him. He looks very unhappy, so take off the jacket and TURN CRANK (1 point). A jack-in-the-box pops up and makes Jack's day. He runs off happy again (2 points). Under the pond a mermaid is frozen in the ice. IN onto the ice covered pond. TURN ON SWITCH (1 point) and the machine becomes a Jackhammer (an American word for a road drill) which pummels the ice to make a hole. The mermaid comes out of the hole but looks very cold. Fortunately, the machine has shook itself back to normal, so TURN FAUCET (2 points) and it becomes a jacuzzi which warms both of you. When she looks warm, PULL PLUG (1 point). Unfortunately, the lady is tangled in a fishing line so PULL OUT THE BLADE of your jacknife (1 point) and CUT FISHING LINE WITH KNIFE (1 point). [RANK: JACKSTER - MAXIMUM 11 POINTS] THIRD LEVEL: BUY THE FARM The start is ON A ROAD where an old dog is laying. TEACH OLD DOG NEW TRICKS, and it capers around like a puppy (1 point). It runs off and comes back with 1 stone. GET 1 STONE. There is a cart here but no horse. BARN. This barn has a loft, sacks of grain where mice play in the spilled wheat and a broad side. The old dog runs in and spills some milk. DON'T CRY OVER SPILLED MILK (1 point) but HIT THE BROAD SIDE OF THE BARN (1 point). UP to the loft where there is a grindstone. PUT MY NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE (1 point) and GET THE HAMMER here. DOWN and go to the.... BARNYARD. Some swords dance against the barn wall. HAMMER THE SWORDS INTO PLOUGHSHARES (1 point) and take the sows ear and the tail which are here. Go to the.... FIELD. There is a haystack here. FIND A NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK (1 point) and when you find it MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOWS EAR (1 point). OPEN PURSE and GET PENNY. You notice that although the ground is eroded, there is a fresh molehill. MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL (1 point). This releases 2 birds so KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE (1 point). From here go to the......... STABLE. Here a horse wearing a ribbon stands looking very sorry for itself. The ribbon says "Do not open until Christmas" so it is a gift horse. LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH (1 point) and you discover that it is very dry. The poor thing must be thirsty. LEAD A HORSE TO WATER (1 point); in its trough you discover that you can MAKE HIM DRINK (1 point). The horse happily trots out of the stable onto the road. ON THE ROAD. By the cart. PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE (1 point) which pushes it. RIDE CART TO MARKET. MARKET. Here a strange costermonger plies his trade. He sells various things so notice that he is playing a pipe and be like Peter Piper. PICK A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS (1 point). The cart also has apples on it so UPSET THE APPLECART (1 point) to find a bag (also known as a poke) with something in it. Well you have a penny that you found in the sows ear purse so BUY A PIG IN A POKE with it (1 point). Drive back to the Road outside the STABLE in the cart, just in time to see a donkey being chased by a myriad of flies. The poor beast has no tail to keep them at bay so it runs inside the stable. STABLE and taking your life in your hands PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY (1 point), which helps the tormented animal immensley. Whilst in the stable GET OATS from the other side of the trough and go to........ FIELD. SOW MY WILD OATS (1 point) before going to the...... BARN. In the barn it is time to do something about the mice. LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG (1 point). The cat chases the mice away and you are returned to the beginning to start the next section. [RANK: SODBUSTER - MAXIMUM 19 POINTS] FOURTH LEVEL: EAT YOUR WORDS You are in a cafe with a rather indifferent waitress, who would appear to deserve everything she gets. As your table appears to move, TURN TABLES ON WAITRESS (1 point) and look at the shadows under the balcony. They are also known as 'umbrages', so TAKE UMBRAGE WITH THE WAITRESS (1 point) and LOOK AT THE WAITRESS WITH EVIL EYE (1 point), LOOK AT WAITRESS WITH JAUNDICED EYE (1 point). She will now serve you something called 'collective of lions', so SWALLOW MY PRIDE (1 point). Look on the table and you will find a pie, EAT HUMBLE PIE (1 point). The tablecloth appears to be a short shrift, GIVE WAITRESS SHORT SHRIFT (1 point). As you feel angry, VENT MY SPLEEN ON WAITRESS (1 point). EXAMINE WAITRESS discovering she wears a headband and appears to have a wood chip on her shoulder. KNOCK CHIP OFF WAITRESS'S SHOULDER (1 point), and she will serve you a crow. EAT CROW discovering it to be nitty gritty. GET DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY (1 point). The waitress will now give you a fortune cookie and a salt shaker. BREAK COOKIE revealing a piece of advice. SHAKE SALT SHAKER to get a grain of salt and TAKE ADVICE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT (1 point). Remember her woollen headband, PULL WOOL OVER HER EYES (1 point), and as by now she is quite peeved, GET HER DANDER UP (1 point). You have been given a rump roast which is charred on one side. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK (1 point). GET HATCHET, GET UP. HIT THE CEILING (1 point), and see and read a blue sign which says 'Comeuppance'. GET SIGN and GIVE WAITRESS HER COMEUPPANCE (1 point). UP to the second floor where a fire is glowing and a rake is. GET RAKE, RAKE WAITRESS OVER THE COALS (1 point). An olive tree is in the corner. GET BRANCH and OFFER OLIVE BRANCH TO WAITRESS (1 point). There are also some just desserts left here by previous customers. GET DESSERTS, GIVE WAITRESS HER JUST DESSERTS (1 point). Neatly framed here is a copy of Part of the 'Riot Act', READ WAITRESS THE RIOT ACT (1 point). DOWN to the first floor of the cafe and CALL THE WAITRESS ONTO THE CARPET (1 point), GET THE NAPKIN and WAVE THE WHITE FLAG (1 point). Having done as much as possible to the waitress, do as she suggested and go IN to the kitchen to take it up with the cook, taking the red velvet curtain like a cloak. He has a grindstone and you have a hatchet (axe), so SHARPEN THE AXE (1 point). There is much spilled bad blood between you so WIPE UP THE BLOOD WITH THE CAPE (1 point) making it even redder than it was. He is a nasty looking man who even cuts off his own nose to spite his face and adds it to the dish he is preparing. He checks the ingredients list to make sure that you are not listed and then ignores you. By now the cook's pets should have appeared, a goose and a goat. GET COOK'S GOAT (1 point), COOK HIS GOOSE (1 point). By now the cook should have a can in his hand labelled 'Laughing Stock'. MAKE LAUGHING STOCK OUT OF COOK (1 point). To really annoy him, WAVE RED RAG (1 point) and he goes berserk and throws you into a large frying pan. JUMP OUT OF FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE (1 point) and thence to safety. Cook corners you and starts to sharpen his devices with a view to doing you harm. LEAVE COOK TO HIS OWN DEVICES (1 point), with which he seems to hurt himself. You have escaped empty handed so GET HATCHET and when an ox wanders through the kitchen, GORE THE OX (1 point) before it gores you. You are now back at the Beginning. [RANK: SATISFIED CUSTOMER - MAXIMUM 31 POINTS] (You can now opt for ACT THE PART) FIFTH LEVEL: ACT THE PART (This is a scenario loosely based around American sit-coms, but with nothing really in common with any of them). You are in the living room set of a typical stage show, sitting in a chair watching television. KNOCK, KNOCK from the door....WHOSE THERE....BOB....BOB WHO? (1 point). Your practical joker of a brother in law enters and plays a shocking practical joke on you. Never mind, you can get your own back on him. GET LAMPSHADE, WEAR IT (1 point). Bob asks "What's this fly doing in my soup?", play it for laughs and answer "THE BACKSTROKE" (1 point). Go IN to the kitchen and GET HOTWATER BOTTLE and rubber GLOVES. WEAR GLOVES, LOUNGE, and when Bob leaves to get a beer, PUT BOTTLE UNDER CHAIR CUSHION (1 point). He sits on it and it becomes an enormous whoopee cushion. GET WIRE from the light and palm the live wire. Safely insulated from the current SHAKE HANDS WITH BOB (1 point). LOOK IN COAT finding a match, GET MATCH, LIGHT MATCH and PUT MATCH IN BOB'S SHOE (1 point), finding a bottle in front of me, gives you an idea. KITCHEN. GET KNIFE like a scalpel and SPONGE. LIVING ROOM. GIVE BOB A LOBOTOMY (1 point). Bob decides he wants a bath and heads in that direction allowing you to reclaim your chair. About now the Knock Knock is heard from the door. WHO'S THERE....GORILLA....GORILLA WHO....GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS (1 point) and in walks your wife. From the bathroom you hear KNOCK KNOCK....WHO'S THERE....DWAYNE....DWAYNE WHO....DWAYNE THE BATHTUB I'M DROWNING (1 point). GET SPONGE. The game will ask which one, Bob or the blue one? BOB (1 point) and the audience fall about in their seats at you likening Bob to sponge. The Scenario finishes and you return to the beginning. [RANK: KING OF COMEDY - MAXIMUM 10 POINTS] SIXTH LEVEL: VISIT THE MANOR OF SPEAKING Before the Manor with a choice of visiting Interior Decorated, Pharmacy, Attic, Doldrums or Kremlin. DODRUMS: A yawning chasm here will only allow each word to be used once. A very effective trap to the unwary, so as the only thing you need here is a cobweb-festooned clock, GET CLOCK and go to the next place....... PHARMACY: Here, a box lies on the floor and a rather ricketty cabinet is on the wall. WIND CLOCK (1 point) and it ticks away in a sinister way, GET BOX, PUT CLOCK IN BOX, CLOSE BOX, OPEN CABINET revealing a real mess. SEARCH CABINET to reveal an old bottle. GET OLD BOTTLE and go to the..... KREMLIN: The sound of the clock ticking in the box frightens the portrait of Karl Marx off the wall revealing a safe which is out of reach (1 point). DROP BOX and go to..... INTERIOR DECORATED: Give a little, get a little is the old saying. PUT BOTTLE ON MANTEL. When asked if it makes the right statement, YES (1 point). You will be asked what you want in return, answer LOUIS XIV CHAIR, GET CHAIR (1 point) and go back to..... KREMLIN: DROP CHAIR, GET BOX, STAND ON CHAIR, EXAMINE SAFE (1 point). UNLOCK THE SAFE WITH THE CLOCK KEY (1 point). OPEN SAFE and GET REVOLUTION. Now go to the..... ATTIC: REVOLVE THE ATTIC (1 point), you are now back at the Beginning. [RANK: HONORED GUEST - MAXIMUM 7 POINTS] SEVENTH LEVEL: SHAKE A TOWER You start in a Clearing from where you can go nowhere directly. A Lead House is here. HEAD HOUSE (1 point) and that is what it becomes. There is a door which seems to lead nowhere, with a gritty pearl in it. PRETTY GIRL (1 point) and it becomes a lovely lady who starts to shine on the door. To get to the next location, DINE ON THE SHORE. THE SHORE: The lady appears to have a pan of keys. CAN OF PEAS (1 point), GET CAN, GET ALL and she decides to take a swim. TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES (1 point) and you dive in and rescue the pearl that she has reverted to. About now you see the reference to a fright. HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE (1 point). LOOK AT THE ROCKS, they look hungry. GIVE PEAS TO ROCKS and having fed rocks, RED FOX (1 point). It runs away to be replaced by a queer old dean who is having trouble with a shoving leaopard. DEAR OLD QUEEN (1 point) and LOVING SHEPHERD (1 point) solve these problems. The shepherd writes two lines of script (yes, sandscript!) and you must READ BETWEEN THE LINES (1 point) to find "follow your shepherd". FOLLOW SHEPHERD to the next location. OLD FACTORY: Here you can see the shepherd trying to pull a habit out of the jaws of an enormous rat. PULL RABBIT OUT OF HAT (1 point), the shepherd reverts to the leopard and grabs it, leaving a book of riddles and a hat on the floor. Looking round you can see an icicle hanging over a fire that someone has left burning some foam. RIDDLE WHILE FOAM BURNS (1 point) to release the icicle. EXAMINE ICICLE to discover it is well-boiled. WELL OILED BICYCLE (1 point) and that is what you have. GET ALL, WEAR HAT and the head louse moves into the hat. You can now go to the STOCK ROOM. An elf is industriously sewing jeans and a Jean client is trying them on. The Jean Stock reaches up into the air. MAKE SMALL TALK WITH ELF (1 point). OLD SELF (1 point) and he becomes the Dorian Gray of you. CLEAN GIANT gets rid of the client, and BEAN STALK converts the pile of jeans to a whole new location..... BEANSTALK: You should hear a female horse do an impression of a pig (mare squeal) and see a blushing crow. SQUARE MEAL (1 point) and CRUSHING BLOW (1 point) make more useful objects. GET MEAL and go to the..... STOCK ROOM. PRETTY GIRL. GIVE MEAL TO GIRL (1 point) (as she was looking for a meal on the shore). GRITTY PEARL, DROP ALL except the hat you are wearing. Do not try to leave the girl as a girl or she will steal everything that you need to complete the game. Likewise, do not leave the crushing blow anywhere other than at the beanstalk or the giant will prevent you from getting it. Return to the BEANSTALK wearing the hat. BEANSTALK: UP wearing the hat to..... CLOUD 673: There is a giant here who definitely has it in for you, he pours butter down the beanstalk preventing your escape and becomes very menacing. TAKE OFF HAT, GIVE HAT TO GIANT. Remember how you first found the head louse and type LEAD HOUSE (1 point). The hat becomes one and drags the giant through the clouds leaving you out of danger. There are some beets here, BED SHEETS (1 point) and they change. In true adventuring fashion, TIE THE SHEETS TOGETHER and CLIMB DOWN THE SHEETS to the beanstalk where the giant is waiting for you. BEANSTALK: When you slide to the bottom of the sheets, the giant sews you into the sheet. SHOW MYSELF INTO ANOTHER SEAT (1 point), really enraging the giant. He stabs himself with the needle and has a 'Hulk' turn, smashing a chair to matchwood in his haste to get to you. TAKE THE BLOW which lies here, HIT THE GIANT WITH THE BLOW (1 point). He sways off in Chaplinesque fashion and you are free to return to the stock room. STOCK ROOM. GET ALL, MAKE SMALL TALK WITH SELF and following his directions RIDE BIKE TO DOOR. UNLOCK DOOR WITH SHINY KEY from the shore (1 point). Having completed ALL the sections of the game you can now prepare yourself for the final section! [RANK: KINKERING KONG - MAXIMUM 26 POINTS] EIGHTH LEVEL: MEET THE MAYOR From the Public Square go IN to the house. You can see a six-pack of beer under the sign here. READ SIGN and you discover some false pretenses. TAKE THE BEER UNDER FALSE PRETENSES (1 point). UP to the bathroom where the Mayor is bathing with a very confused rubber duck. LAME DUCK (1 point). A large jar stands in the corner. OPEN DOOR (1 point) and find a closet. A fine tooth comb lies in a puddle of water on the floor. GET COMB, SEARCH CLOSET WITH A FINE-TOOTH COMB (1 point). You find a skeleton and a disguise. GET ALL. GIVE THE SKELETON THE DEEP SIX (1 point), and EMPTY THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH WATER (1 point). GET ALL. DOWN, OUT to the Public Square. A paper lists the local laws, there are 9 out of ten here. POSSESSION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW (1 point), GET HORN, BEAT AROUND THE BUSH (1 point) to discover a laurel branch. GET LAUREL BRANCH, WASH DIRTY LINEN IN PUBLIC (1 point). You receive a blessing for this. PUT BLESSING IN DISGUISE (1 point). Go back into the house with the Mayor, who is pacing around in a terry towel. BLESS THE MAYOR (1 point), TOOT OWN HORN (1 point), and GIVE DECREE TO THE MAYOR (1 point) who should sign it. Only after he signs it should you REST ON MY LAURELS (1 point). [FINAL SCORE FOR THIS SECTION: 14 POINTS] The game is now totally completed with a perfect score in all sections! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *